DISNAE MATTER  (My favourite Irvine Welsh short story)

Ah wis it thoan Disneyland in Florida, ken?. 'Took hur 'n' the bairn. Wi me gittin peyed oaf fi Ferranti's, ah thoat it's either dae somethin wi the dough or pish it doon the bog at the Willie Muir. Ah saw whit happened tae a loat ay other c**ts; livin like kings fir a while: taxis evraywhair, chinkies evray night, cairryoots, ye ken the score. 'N' whit dae they huv tae show fir it? Scottish F*ckin Fitba Association, that's what, ya c*nt.

Now ah wisnae that keen oan Disneyland, bit ah thoat: fir the bairn's sake, ken? Wish ah hudnae bothered!. It wis shite. Big f*ckin queues tae git oan aw the rides. That's awright if ye like that sortay thing, but it's no ma f*ckin scene. The beer ower thair's pish n aw. They go oan aboot aw thir beer, thir Budweiser n aw that; its like drinkin f*ckin cauld water. One thing ah did like aboot the States though is the scran. Loadsay it, beyond yir wildest dreams, n the service n aw. Ah mind in one place ah sais tae hur: Fill yir f*ckin boots while ye kin, hen, cause whin wi git back hame we'll be livin oafay McCain's oven chips till f*ck knows when.

Anywey, it this f*ckin Disneyland shite, this daft c*nt in a bear suit jumps oot in front ay us, ken? Wavin ehs airrms aboot n that. The bairn starts f*ckin screamin, gied hur a real fright, ken? So ah f*ckin panels the c*nt, punches the f*ckin wide-o in the mooth, or whair ah thought ehs mooth wis, under that suit, ken? Too f*ckin right! Disneyland or nae f*ckin Disneyland, disnae gie the c*nt the excuse tae jump oot in front ay the bairn, ken.

Thing is, these polis c*nts, f*ckin guns n aw ya c*nt, nae f*ckin joke, ah'm tellin ye, they sais tae ays: "Whit's the f*cking score here, mate," bit likesay American, ken? So ah goes, noddin ower tae this bear c*nt: C*nt jumped oot in front ay the bairn. Well ootay f*ckin order! The polis c*nt jist says somethin aboot the boy mibbe bein a bit too keen, its ehs joab, ken??. The other yin sais somethin like: Mibbe the wee lassie's frightened ay bears, ken?

So then this radge in a yellay jaykit comes along. Ah tipples right away thit eh's that bear c*nt's gaffer, likesay. Eh apologises tae ays, then turns tae the bear c*nt n sais: Wir gaunny huv tae lit ye go mate. They wir jist gaunny, likes, gie the boy ehs f*cking cairds like that. This is nae good tae us, eh tells the boy. This perr c*nt in the bear suit, eh's goat the head oaf now, likes; the c*nt's nearly greetin, gaun oan aboot needin the joab tae pey ehs wey through college. So ah gits a hud ay this radge in the yellay jaykit n sais: Hi mate, yir ootay order here. Thir's nae need tae gie the boy ehs cairds. It's aw sorted oot.

Mean tae say, ah banged the c*nt awright, bit ah didnae want the boy tae lose ehs joab, ken. Ah ken whit it's f*ckin like. It's aw a great laugh whin they chuck that redundancy poppy it ye, bit that disnae last firivir, ken. Aw they doss c*nts thit blow the dough oan nowt. Thuv goat mates they nivir kent they hud - till the f*ckin hireys run oot. Anywey, this supervisor radge goes: S'up tae you mate. You're happy?, c*nt keeps ehs joab.Then eh turns tae the boy n sais: Yir f*ckin lucky, ah'm tellin ye. If it wisnae fir the boy here, ken, ye'd be pickin up yir cairds, but this is aw American, likesay, ye ken how aw they doss c*nts talk, oan the telly n that.

The c*nt ah gubbed, this bear c*nt goes: Really sorry, mate, ma fault, ken. So ah jist sais: Sound by me. The polis n the supervisor boy f*cked off n the bear c*nt turns n sais: Thanks a lot, buddy. Have a nice day. Ah thoat fir a minute, ah'll f*cking gie ye nice day, ya c*nt, jumpin oot in front ay the f*ckin bairn. Bit ah jist left it, ken, nae hassle tae nae c*nt. Boy's entitled tae keep ehs joab; that wis ma good deed fir the day. Ah jist goes: Aye, you n aw, mate.