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Eejit's Y2K Dictionary

Eejit's Y2K Dictionary

The idea is simple. Select a word then add, subtract, or change one letter to give it a whole new meaning. This is from Tom Sheild's Diary in the Herald.

Ian Nicol was first on the e-mail with:

Pramraiders: criminals who launch night-time attacks on Mothercare shops.

Rod-rage: The unhappiness of an ageing rock star at his latest palimony hit.

Other contributions in no particular order of merit:

Embrucation: the schooling of Glaswegians in the ways of Auld Reekie (Malcolm Graham).

Tam O'Shatner: star in movie about alien life forms near Alloway Kirk (Richard Grace).

Episcopalien: occasional visitors to churches in and around Bonnybridge (Alasdair Noble, Hamilton).

Wishky: Wanting to go home with the barmaid after drinking too much (Colin MacLeod, Thornwood, Glasgow).

There were some worthy multiple entries including this from Caroline Macafee of Dyce:

Droocot: pigeon loft with a leaky roof.

Corrie doon: take refuge from bad weather in the mountains.

Lad o' paints: male art student.

The rules state that there can be only one winner each day of word-bending week and today it is Eamonn Riley of Kilmarnock who covers a wide range of topics with his list:

Tun: derogatory term for a group of exactly 100 Rangers supporters.

Greenpeach: a militant ecological organisation advocating direct action to prevent the genetic modification of fruit.

Overdrift: bank account that seems to run out of money all by itself.

Pottaging: the practice of gay gardeners who hang around sheds hoping to meet other men.

Fortunately the rules can be broken and we award a bottle of Auld Lang Syne also to Johnny Miller, who is a perfect example of how to play the word-bending game and how not to play it. Only one letter can be changed, added, or subtracted to give a new meaning to the word.

Mr Miller's suggestions of stoicious, a philosophical drunk, and Mock Jagger, non-alcoholic beer, both qualify. But macrammy, a riot at a crafts fair, and millennoleum, involve more than one letter.

Norman Reid tries to sook up to the sponsors with Cauld Lang Syne - that's when the weather's been chilly and a warming whisky would be nice. Mr Reid also offers:

Heidonism: indulging yourself in the practice of the Glasgow kiss.

Parkherd: crowd at a Celtic game.

Fetischism: perverted desire to break a Greek cheese habit.

Anne Miller of Loinlithgow, yon sexy toon in West Lothian, offers this lively portfolio:

Nippy Tweetie: bad-tempered canary.

Drabbit: dull and bad-tempered.

Wrabbit: exhausted bunny.

Seilidh: a doon-the-watter concert in the bar of the good ship Waverley.

Kinspeckle: prominent relative.

Harvie Milligan sends his entry from an e-mail address which includes Glenfarg so he won't need the whisky prize:

Larda: Russian car loaded with groceries.

Fleace: an infested sheepskin.

Prontosaurus: fast dinosaur.

Noshtalgia: wistful remembrance of culinary experiences.

Paul McArdle manages to be simultaneously deft and disgusting with plucre, a person

who squeezes spots for financial gain. Then there is his Cosy Nostra, a Scottish-Italian criminal group who don't like violence.

Not to mention euphorium, that feeling of well-being experienced while playing a

brass instrument.

A few one-liners:

Buckfest: cultural event in Coatbridge (Gerry McCulloch, Saltcoats).

Dievan: small deathbed (Douglas Lowe, Balerno).

Widows '95: computer system for ladies with no e-male (Jimmy Manson, Ayr).

Tay-Boy: young man from Perth who escorts older women (Colin H Kerr).

Scottosh: cheap souvenirs based on designs of well-known architect (Ann Burnett).

So much wit and talent and so few prizes. Still, it's the taking part that counts, isn't it? The winners of today's Auld Lang Syne whisky are a bunch of chaps jointly known as The Sanny Men from Dreghorn with:

Anti-semmitic: against the wearing of undershirts.

Hardonica: Washington mouth organ.

Bishoprick: Roddy Wright's former office.

Ibernian: new Spanish striker at Easter Road.

Y2K2 Bug: a mountain to climb for computer programmers.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.

Doltergeist: A spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as a septic tank.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.

Coiterie: A very, very close-knit group.

Impotience: Eager anticipation by men awaiting their Viagra prescription.

DIOS: The one true operating system.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Taterfamilias: The head of the Potato Head family.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Adulatery: Cheating on your spouse with a much younger person who holds you in awe.

Eunouch: The pain of castration.

Deifenestration: To throw all talk of God out the window.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.

In the best traditions of The Diary we have decided to put a kilt on this concept and offer a bottle of whisky for the best home-grown variations on this theme. We will start the ball rolling with:

Stushi: A fight in a Japanese restaurant.

Clowning: Genetic reproduction of people who do not take life very seriously.

Sconstipation: binding effect of baked goods (David Walker, Kilmacolm).

Microchap: male bauchle (Bill Waddell, Cumbernauld).

Precrastinate: put off something till yesterday (Angus Macmillan, Dumfries).

Brohel: Edinburgh sauna where you'll have had your T (Colin Kerr, Glasgow).

Waltergate: inquiry into what's going wrong at Everton FC (Ian Nicol).

Farrygo: solemn deliberations of the SFA (Stephen Gold, Glasgow).

Temazebam: crazed druggie.

All of these entrants were valiant but today's bottle of Auld Lang Syne goes to James Young for his concept of "drive-by shouting" - a crime prevalent in Bearsden and other such douce areas. - March 10

* Improverished: a stand-up comedian short of material.

* Scottish Notionalists: those for whom independence is a nice wee idea.

* Bravefeart: someone who says "Ye'll never tak my freedom . . . well, a' right then." (All from Elaine Clark, Milngavie).

* Timbola: a raffle at Celtic Park. (This is from Malcolm Graham now resident in Berlin where, he says, local taxi drivers are brilliant. Many of them used to work for the Stasi. As former Secret Service men all you have to do is tell them your name, and they know where you live.)

* Smog: kiss from a smoker (Ian Nicol, Norway).

* Shaghetti: Italian aphrodisiac.

* Scurry: Asian fast food. (Both from Tom Donnelly, Glasgow.)

* Tinnitits: a ringing noise in your breasts.

* FFeminism: women's movement that's really out-front.

* Alzimmer's: condition in which you can't remember where you left your walking frame. (All from Angus Macmillan of Dumfries who receives the Auld Lang Syne whisky and all the letters of complaint.)

* Stairfry: barbecue up a close; Placedo: pill given to hypochondriac tenors (Terry Shelly, Shotts).

* Legotist: child who refuses to share toys (Bill Cusack, Kilmarnock).

* Flootball: cultural mix of art and sport in Govan; Mollyhoddle: to pamper someone, knowing they will suffer for it in the next life (Pat Darlington, Airdrie).

* Oscur: award for best dog actor; Irrelefant: nothing to do with elephants; Chews: Hielan' Israelites (Rev Bill Shackleton).

* Timpetigo: how to spot a Catholic;

Parmanoia: experienced by Rangers on exiting UEFA Cup; Crappielow: semi-derelict football stadium (David Walker, Woodholm).

* The Dairy: a newspaper column where anecdotes (and stories about ducks) go to get milked (Gary Smith, Giffnock).

* Fellazio: post-match entertainment

for Roman footballers (M Gartshore, Aberdeen).

* Me-mail: introspective electronic mail user (David Gault, Hong Kong).

* Hologran: 3-D picture of granny;

Hundread: another 5-1 defeat at Parkhead (Malcolm Graham, Berlin).

* Microsaft: software company based at the Barras (John Harris, Carluke).

* Tubloid: slimmers' magazine; Jobsessive: workaholic; Masochismo: painful effort to be one of the lads; Auntidote: doddery female relative who thinks you're great (Tom Donnelly, Partick).

* Accordian: one who misquotes authoritative sources; Reportee: second-hand witticisms in print (Bill McKenna, Toronto).

* Clartier: famous jeweller's in need of a good wash down (Angela Cowan, Newmilns).

* A ewe for a ewe: retribution, Aberdeen-style (David Cooke, Knightswood).

* Irn Brut: your other national aftershave (Neil Maxwell, Newlands).

But there can only be one winner of the bottle of Auld Lang Syne. It goes to a drink-related entry. Brooze, an injury sustained after rather too many refreshments, was submitted by Dr Andrew D Rankine, director of Safety and Environmental Protection Services at Glasgow University who says his entry "reflects my professional interest in injury, death, and doom and destruction generally."