Sporting Life

THE image of Glasgow as no mean city is alive and well on the Internet. The city's initiative in mounting a bid to host a future Olympic Games is thus characterised:

Opening Ceremony: The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native(preferably from Castlemilk area) wearing the traditional custome of shell suit, baseball cap and balaclava. It will burn for the duration of the games in a large chip pan situated on the roof of the stadium.

In previous Olympics, Scottish competitors have not been particular succesful. To redress the balance, some events have been altered to the advantage of Glasgow athletes.

100 Metres Sprint: Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave oven, one under each arm, and on the sound of the starting pistol a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

100 Metres Hurdles: As above but with added obstacles such as hedges, garden walls, old age pensioners.

Fencing: Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen jewellery, and car radios as possible within the time allowed.

Boxing: Entry is restricted to husband and wife teams. The husband has to drink 15 pints of heavy beer. He returns home to be told by his wife that she hasn't made his tea. The bout will then commence.(Whatever happened to Zero Tolerance - Ed?)

Modern Penthatlon: Mugging, breaking and entering, joy-riding, breach of the peace, and peeing up closes.

Closing Ceremony: The Olympic flame will be extinguished by the athlete in the shell suit dropping an old washing-machine on to the chip pan from an adjacent block of flats. Juan Antonio Samaranch, president of the International Olympic Committee, closes the games and invites the youth of the world to assemble in four year's time in Edinburgh for the next Olympiad.